Ryan's Rants - Installment #7

I find myself finding getting irritated by many things. With that being said, I thought it would be quite cathartic for me to write a series of weekly articles in which I rant about the various things that annoy me.

I know this has nothing really to do with Fantasy Football, but hell, it's my website, I can do what I want.

Here is the 7th installment of "Ryan's Rants" :

1. Fish Flies - I live in Dubuque, Iowa, a relatively small town on the state's eastern border that resides right along the Mississippi River and is adjacent to both Wisconsin and Illinois. Every year in late June, early July we get attacked by "Fish Flies" or as they are called in other regions of the United States, May Flies. You may be asking what is a Fish Fly and why do you hate them so much? Well, let me give the breakdown of the life a Fish Fly. Their born, they do it with each creating more little bastard Fish Flies, and then 24 hours later they die. They aren't even capable of eating food! They starve to death!

So what happens when thousands upon thousands of Fish Flies all die at once? You have roads that are literally covered in dead, disgusting, stinking flies. My friend Josh (or Berkleton as I like to call him) told me a story the other day of when he worked at a warehouse. He said he came into work after a nasty "Fish Fly" attack and his job for the first two hours of his shift was shoveling up the feet of Fish Flies that covered his employer's parking lot. Fun! Not.

Fish Flies

The worst part is, every time I say we should just completely eradicate all Fish Flies some environmental know-it-all says "Well, their an important part of our ecosystem...blah, blah, blah...they provide fish with food to eat.. blah, blah, blah... without them nature would be thrown off balance...blah, blah, blah...global warming."

Honestly? You're telling me the fish aren't gonna survive without Fish Flies? I'm seriously doubting that. Fish will eat pretty much anything and if they don't wanna eat what's given to them, f*** em.

And that's all I have to say about that. Boom. Roasted.

2. "Uncle Teds" - For those of whom think I'm referring to Ted Nugent, please refer to Urban Dictionary's definition of the Uncle Ted I am speaking of:

"A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees... This is not to be confused with Turd Burglar who is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open."

(I'll save my complaints about the Turd Burglar for another installment).

On a serious note, I really can't poop at work when other people are in the bathroom. Number one, my dumps reek and I may kill someone through suffocation. It's for their own protection really. Number two (no pun intended), I find it very awkward to let out a big fart/poop noise and then have the follow-up water splash sound from my turd bombing into the water ring into the air. You know the guy next to you is listening closely for that bomb to drop.

At my work, it's always the same group of employees that linger and linger. The tech guys. They sit there and comb there hair, wash their hands four or five times, make a frickin' phone call or two, all while I'm desperately trying to hold in a massive dump. Just leave! Quit hiding out in the bathroom and get back to work. For as much as these guys are in the bathroom, the company should just pay them to be bathroom attendants.

3. People Who Can't Spell - I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not the greatest speller in the world. However, I still manage to speak something that resembles English, which is more than I can say for a lot of people that I encounter on the Internet. It honestly takes me five minutes sometimes to read a simple sentence because I have to decode what the person is truly trying to say. Here is just some samples I pulled off Facebook:


"Wow u ppl need ta fuckn STP!! Wat u say or how u feel means nuttn!! NOBODI nos wat happnd!! Why yall ppl judgen... i hope yall households r perfect which dey nt cuz god made none of us ta b perfect!!"

They have something called "spell check" now. I'm pretty sure it comes free with the computer. And what's up with people using CAPS? IT GETS ANNOYING REAL QUICK. Do they not realize it's on? Or are they too lazy to stretch the pinky finger over and turn it off? Or maybe they like the way it looks? It makes them feel different and special.

4. Stocking Caps in Summer - I was at work today and a kid who was probably 16 or 17 walked into the store. With a stocking cap in his hand! It was 90 degrees outside today. And this isn't the first person I've seen this age do this. Is this some idiotic fashion trend? Whatever it is, it's stupid. Why the hell would you want to wear something on your head in the summer time that makes you sweat profusely? The hat looked dumb anyways. I wouldn't wear that thing if it 50 below out. Kids these days. No wonder the country is in a recession.

5. Moccasins - I was sitting in a teleconferencing meeting last week with the other interns at one of my jobs. An intern whom I had never met walked in, and at first glace he seemed to be fairly well dressed: khakis, button up shirt, nice belt, etc. However, I soon glanced at his feet and what was he wearing? Moccasins. Tell me, when did people start thinking it was appropriate to wear slippers to work? I had another fellow employee at a different job wear moccasins to work as well. It's looks like you just walked outside to grab the morning paper. Kids these days. No wonder the country is in a recession.


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