Ryan's Rants - Installment #9

I find myself finding getting irritated by many things. With that being said, I thought it would be quite cathartic for me to write a series of weekly articles in which I rant about the various things that annoy me.

I know this has nothing really to do with Fantasy Football, but hell, it's my website, I can do what I want.

Here is the 9th installment of "Ryan's Rants" :

1. Button Pants - I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to shopping for clothes. As a young kid, I hated nothing more than when my mom would take me to the store to buy new clothes. It was torture and in my eyes, pointless. I thought "who cares what clothes I wear, clothes are clothes." Now that I'm older and at not nearly as cute as I was when I was nine, I enjoy buying new clothes because they improve by overall appearance and make me seem more attractive (or at least I hope they do). Anyway, enough with that diatribe.

I was at The Gap a few months back and trolling through the "final sale" rack (my favorite) and came across a pair of nice-fitting, khaki pants for only $7. I only initially hesitated in buying them for the following two reasons:

#1: The knee of the pants had that stupid-looking "man-made, patched-up tear" thing, which I despise. But I figured it's not that noticeable and for $7.00 I'm willing to live with it.

#2: The pants had no zipper (i.e. they had a button-up fly). Something in my mind was telling me to leave the pants on the rack for this reason, but I thought "how bad can buttons be compared to a zipper?"

Well, let me answer that 2nd question now. Button-up flys are asinine. I could understand if it there were only one or two buttons, but these pants have four buttons! Every time I go to take a leak, it takes me 45 seconds to button all of these up. When I'm at a urinal in close proximity to two other guys, the last thing I want to be doing is standing there fiddling in my Johnson-area for 45 seconds.

What idiot thought, "I have a genius idea; instead of using a zipper (one of the greatest inventions of all-time), I'm going to go with a technology that has been outdated for over 150 years!"

I will never again buy button-up pants. I don't care if they are given to me for free. I won't wear them.


2. Head-to-Head Fantasy Leagues - I've never really seen the point in head-to-head fantasy leagues. I don't like them and I honestly don't think they are nearly as fun/fair as rotisserie (straight total point) leagues. My main problem with these faceoff-type leagues is that they are inherently unfair. Every year when I'm in these leagues there is always at least one team (if not more) that gets royally screwed by drawing a a string of bad matchups.

How is it fair that a team that has the 2nd most points scored in a 12 team league is in 9th place? Or a team that has the 2nd least amount of points is in 3rd place? It's poppycock I tell you.

What's more fair than basing standings off of total points scored? This would eliminate all of the ballyhooing about "I had the 2nd most fantasy points this week in my league, but lost because the guy I was playing against had player X who scored 80 points this week." I think people who set up these types of leagues just enjoy complaining about their losses since they have nothing better to do.

Total points is far and away the more fair type of scoring system. It's simple: the team with the most points at the end of the year wins the championship. Why invite more luck into a game that already is predicated on a good amount of luck in the first place by imposing a head-to-head scoring system?

Some may argue that "our league tries to mimic the NFL and follow along as closely as possible to what the league does." Really? It's FANTASY football jerkoffs. It's not like you can walk up to your fantasy team and give them a Knute Rocknesque speech to motivate them in a win over your nemesis Sex With Trophy. If you really want to mimic the NFL, go out and buy some pads and start pounding each other on a real football field.


3. Crappy (New) Cell Phone - For years I have owned the cheap "penny" cell phones that you got for free with a two-year activation. While all of my friends were updating to the latest and greatest in cell phone technology, I was still rolling with a four year old model of a cell phone that didn't even have picture-taking abilities. After constant harassment and a legitimate need for instant, 24/7 access to my email, I decided to upgrade to the "HTC Desire." This was by far the best phone that my carrier, U.S. Cellular, had at the time. All in all, I have been fairly satisfied with the phone. The operating system is fast and the touch screen is smooth. However, I do have two major complaints about the phone which are explained below.

• Battery Life - When I bought the phone, I didn't know that I was buying another full-time job as well. It's a daily chore charging this battery. Many of you may say that's not a big deal, just charge it before you go to bed. Most nights that works. But I drink a lot on the weekends and usually charging my phone isn't the first thing on my priority list when I come stumbling into my house at 2:30 in the morning. With this being said, I usually wake up on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday mornings to a dead phone and an array of missed calls, texts, emails, etc. My old penny phone use to get 6-7 days of battery life. You think they would have figured out a way to make these smartphones last longer than a day.

• Reception - This phone absolutely blows when it comes to reception. It seems as though any time I go into a building that contains any steel, I have no reception. My old phone got reception in the freaking subway for God's sake and now with this new phone I struggle to get one bar of reception when I go out to eat at any of my local restaurants! I run through the same carrier as I did with my old cell phone, so I can only blame the new phone.

For this being a $600 cell phone, I should be able to get cell reception if I was trapped in a caved-in miner's shaft.


4. Improper Use of the English Language - It simply amazes me how many people in this day and age lack proper grammar skills. Kids of my generation are quite easily the worst communicators in the history of the English language. You would assume that with the proliferation of education over the last fifty years that people in my age group would have near perfect language skills. But that is not the case. In fact, far from it. I would argue that young adults 200 years ago had a much firmer grasp on the English language than we do now. Which makes no sense since kids in that time period were lucky if they made it past the 5th grade.

Why have our language skills become so deplorable? It's not due to a lack of educational opportunities. Education is more widespread than it ever has been in the history of humankind. Rather, it seems that technology is the culprit in this regard. Creations such as "spell checker" have made my generation lazy and thoughtless. Additionally, the rapid advancement and use of various shorthand communications such as text message, email, and instant messaging have established bad habits and lead to a higher degree of grammatical errors and lack of punctuation as well as the misuse of words.

Simply stated, most people below the age of 30 are complete morons when it comes to properly using the English language. Here are common misuses that I see on a daily basis:

• The complete wrong use of the word "literally" - I see this one all the time. I will be at a party or at the bars and some guy will be telling a story of this hilarious situation and at the end of the story, he will say "it was so funny, I literally peed my pants." Really? You did? Your pants were soaked in urine? I'm highly doubting you meant to tell a group of five hot girls that you pissed your pants. Moron.

• The person who thinks they are smart because they use i.e., but they really should have used e.g. - This one comes up frequently in emails I receive. Some person in an attempt to sound smart will expound upon a statement by explaining using i.e. and then listing an example of what they meant. Too bad, i.e. is Latin for "in other words" not "example." E.g. is what you should use for example. Fail.

There are a ton of other examples such as the improper use of its/it's, they're, their, and there; then/than, and so on. I could probably write a short novel about this topic. I'm sure nobody would read it though since that is something nobody does anymore either.

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