Ryan's Rants - Installment #1

I find myself getting irritated by many things. With that being said, I thought it would be quite cathartic for me to write a series of articles in which I rant about the various things that annoy me.

I know this has nothing really to do with Fantasy Football, but hell, it's my website, I can do what I want.


Here is the 1st installment of "Ryan's Rants":


1. Honey Smacks - I have a love/hate relationship with Kellogg's Honey Smacks. I love them because they taste so damn good. However, I hate them because, for some odd reason, they make my pee smell like Honey Smacks. I told a few of my friends about this weird occurrence and they said I was crazy. And I was starting to think I was crazy until I googled "honey smacks makes my pee smell like honey smacks" and found numerous people throughout the country with this same issue.

Honestly Kellogg, whatever you're putting in this cereal that makes people's pee smell like your cereal, please stop putting it in. For once, I would like to eat my cereal and then go to the bathroom without being reminded of what I just ate. Thanks.


2. People Who Drive Unnecessarily Slow (To Piss Me Off) - Admittingly, I am usually running late to just about every place I'm suppose to be at on time whethere it be work, school, meeting friends, etc. Consequently, I usually speed to get where I'm going faster. It never seems to fail that when I'm running late, I get behind the slowest driver in the city (usually always an old person). These extremely slow drivers never seem to know that there is a 5 car back up because of their turtle-like pace and when they do notice, they get pissed at me for "tailgating them." Well maybe if you weren't going 15 in a 25, I wouldn't have to "tailgate" you.

So what does this slow driver do when they realize they are slowing up traffic? Well, they do 1 of 2 things: 1) they slow down even more or 2) they pull over to the side of the road and let everyone pass. I'm fine with the 2nd option. They are uncomfortable for some reason driving 25 or 30 in a 25 and they don't want to slow up traffic any longer, so they pull over. The first option aggravates me to the nth degree though. This must be their thinking when they slow down even more, "I'll show that tailgating bastard who's boss. You think 15 mph is slow, suck on 10 mph. That will get him off my back." WRONG. This just makes me want to tailgait even closer until I get so fed up that I illegally pass them while giving them the biggest grin known to man.

Geez, you think old people would drive faster seeing as they don't have much time left.


3. John Madden - I'm sure that John Madden is a great guy in real life. I actually met him back in 1998 when I was in Minnesota to watch a Cowboys playoff game. He was nice enough to stop and sign an autograph for me and seemed to be a genuinely nice person. However, nice guy or not, he sucks at announcing. He contributes nothing meaningful to the commentary and never mentions anything but the obvious. To prove my point, here are some actual statements John Madden has made live, on-the-air:

"Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster."

“The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.”


"To get more yards, it's best to move the ball from the line of scrimmage down the field."

"Usually the team with the most points wins the game!"

“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

“A team should never practice on a field that is not lined. Your players have to become aware of the field's boundaries.”

“Don't worry about the horse being blind, just load the wagon.”


I don't even know what that last quote means. If someone does, please explain it to me. Maybe Mr. Madden was good at announcing 15 years ago, but senility has crept up on him over the last few years.

And another thing, he talks about how great Brett Favre is WAY TOO MUCH. We get it John, you want Brett to be the center and you to be the quarterback (see picture below).



Also, any adult person who is afraid to fly on airplanes deserves some ridicule. Since John is afraid to fly, he travels thousands of miles and spends hours on the road every year aboard his "Maddencruiser" (a customized coach-bus). C'mon John, you're better than that. Grow some balls and hop on a plane.

And if I have to hear him talk about that fu**in "turkducken" one more time, I'm gonna shoot myself

Bottom Line: Madden was a great coach and gave us the best video football game ever. But, he is a horrible announcer that adds nothing to an NFL game except for the occasional humorous statement. He did give us this though. Thanks John!


4. Girls Who Take WAY TOO MANY Pictures - It seems like at every party I go to there is always that one girl who insists on taking 1,000 pictures to "remember the moment." What they fail to realize is that by interrupting the event they are in essence, "ruining the moment." I don't need frickin' pictures to remember what happended. I have something called memory. The occasional picture over dinner and drinks or when at a significant place is fine by me. It just perturbs me to wake up the morning after a party to see 400 pictures on Facebook of the events that took place the night before!


5 . Wade Phillips - Back in February of 2007, the Cowboys hired Wade "Turkey Neck" Phillips. I wasn't too thrilled with the hiring, but I thought I would give him a chance to prove himself. After his 1st season, I was convinced he sucked as a head coach. He's a great defensive coordinator, but he sucks balls at being a head coach. In his 10 seasons as a head coach, he's won one playoff game. Phillips is obviously living off of the legend of his dad, Bum Phillips, who was a legendary NFL coach. Phillips doesn't always seem all there and never seems to motivate his players. Isn't that one of the main roles of a head coach? All I ever see Wade Phillips do is jump around and pump his fist like a high school cheerleader every time the Cowboys score a touchdown. Yes, he has an overall record of 81-54, but he's had great teams to work with. He should have won more than one playoff game with the talent he's had.

The worst part is, what happens when he wins his first playoff game? He gets a two-year contract extension. Ugh!

And I'm not the only Dallas Cowboys fan that feels this way: "Cowboy Chris Verbally Abuses Wade Phillips"

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2 comments :

Memento said...

Nice. Seeing as how I don't eat Honey Smacks I am not afflicted by this horrible condition.

#2 particularly pisses me off...fucking old people. Get busy living!

John Madden is just going senile from the turducken...it is NOT NATURAL!

ALWAYS seems that be that one girl! :)

*Shakes Head at Wade*

Anonymous said...

Maybe your mom wasn't looking for the closest parking spot, but a good one that she wouldn't get her car dinged or that she had a whiney kid with her that complained thier legs hurt from walking so she figured if she could get a closer parking spot that would give her a few more steps outta you while shopping????Moms are smarter than you think.

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